How to Help Someone Through Grief
When someone you love is grieving, one of the hardest parts is not knowing what to say.
You want to help and make sure they feel supported. But you also don’t want to say the wrong thing, say too much, or force them to share things they aren’t ready to share yet.
The best way to show up for someone going through something hard is by being present. But it can be hard to know how to do that.
Here are some ways to help someone through grief:
1. Knowing That Grief Isn’t the Same for Everyone
There are many situations and changes that can cause a sense of loss. Death, divorce, breakups, losing a job, trauma, or other significant changes that force a different way of life (like grieving the life you thought you’d have) all create a loss.
You may not fully understand or agree with the situation but you should still support them if they are important to you. Even if you’ve been through the exact same situation their experience is different than yours so you want to make sure you aren’t invalidating their feelings or experience.
2. Accepting That There Isn’t a Right Thing to Say
Grief makes people uncomfortable. We want to fix the pain or make the situation better and avoid uncomfortable feelings. That’s why it’s hard to know what to say.
But grief isn’t something that can be fixed and wrapped up quickly. It takes time for someone to go through it. Rather than try to come up with the best thing to say – share what’s on your heart.
It’s okay to keep it simple and honest like:
• “I’m so sorry this is happening.”
• “I’m here for you.”
• “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.”
Even simple phrases like these show that you care. You being present and available matters more than words, anyway.
3. Holding Space For Them
One of the best things you can for someone who is grieving is to hold space for them.
If you’re not familiar with that term – holding space means showing up to support someone with whatever they’re going through and letting them know that you’re with them without judgment. You aren’t trying to control the situation, fix things, or make them feel like they’ve done something wrong. You simply want to support them while they go through the ups and downs of their journey. Of course we think of showing up in a physical sense, but we can also show up with text messages and phone calls.
We don’t like silence, it also makes us feel uncomfortable. So when we want to help we feel like we need to do something. Or we feel a need to fill the silence. They may be ready to tell the same story over and over. But they may not be. They may not know what to say, either!
Instead, be the person that meets them where they are. Let them know you are holding space for them. You can tell them that you are doing so. But your actions and phrases like I shared above will show them, too.
Grief is a very isolating emotion – feeling seen or understood helps a lot. Sometimes they need someone who will sit quietly beside them while they work through their pain.
4. Offering Specific Help
When people are grieving, everyday tasks can feel overwhelming. They may need help but it’s likely they won’t ask for help or even know what to ask for.
Instead of telling them to let you know if they need anything, try offering specific help.
For example, offer to:
- Bring over a meal
- Run errands
- Help with childcare
- Sit with them for a while
- Take them out for a short walk
- Do something fun that takes their mind off the grief, like get a pedicure.
Think of what would help you if you were in their shoes.
Easing some of the everyday burdens makes a huge difference during difficult moments.
5. Checking In Over Time
There’s a lot of support in the first few weeks after a loss or tough time. But grief doesn’t disappear after that. It’s not uncommon for people to feel lonely as time goes on because support has faded.
Think of the support you feel during a visitation and funeral. People send flowers and meals and physically come to see you for the services. But then some time passes and the 1st holiday without your loved one comes. Your grief feels different now but it seems like everyone else is back to living their life and you’re not sure how to. You don’t want to reach out and disturb a friend so you keep it all in. That feels really heavy.
It’s the same for all types of grief – people feel the loneliest once the initial support fades.
Checking in weeks or months later to see how they’re doing lets them know that you’re thinking of them and reminds them that they’re not alone.
I know life is busy and it’s hard to remember to check in. Set a reminder in your calendar to send them a text or give them a call periodically.
6. Keeping the Focus on Them
We tend to use examples from our own lives but in this case, it’s not about you. I know you want to show them that you understand, but you can do that by listening and creating space for them.
While your intentions are to relate to them it can feel like you’re invalidating their feelings and experience.
Instead of comparing stories, allow their feelings to be front and center. Let them share as much or as little as they want.
Sometimes the best way to show empathy is to acknowledge that the situation sounds really hard.
7. Not Setting Timelines or Expectations
Again, grieving looks different for everyone. Sometimes we think that our loved one should be over that thing by now. Or that they should’ve told us more information or done something differently.
Have you heard the saying, “grief makes people do strange things”? It’s a saying for a reason!
When dealing with a loss we aren’t ourselves. We’re dealing with a lot of emotions while trying to live life and get through each day. There are usually physical symptoms as well – like fatigue and digestive issues. Imagine all of that and then your friend tells you that it should only take you 2 months (or some made up timeline) to get over your breakup. Now, not only do you feel crummy because you’re heartbroken but you feel worse because you’re not grieving correctly either. Not a feeling someone needs added to their sadness!
Each of us experiences grief many times throughout life. And although it isn’t fun to go through – it’s a part of being human that helps us process changes and adapt to a new way of life. Yet it feels extremely isolating while we’re in it.
You don’t have to have the perfect words or the perfect response to support those around you. It’s enough to show up, listen, and offer small acts that show you care.
These simple things can help someone feel supported during one of the hardest seasons of their life.
And sometimes, that presence is exactly what they need the most.
P.S. Grief can be heavy, not just for the person experiencing the loss, but also for the people who care about them. If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or close to burnout yourself, I created a simple Burnout Recovery Checklist to help you slow down and start taking care of yourself again. You can download it here. You deserve support, too.
